Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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