My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
