I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Damn victory sex feels great
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
