dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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