I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
