Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted