i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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