Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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