How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
