Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
