i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Randomize
