We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
