Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
