my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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