Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
