He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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