If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
