Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
