When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
