I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
