Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
