I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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