I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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