y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
