my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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