I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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