Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
