Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
