new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I think your dad took our porno
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
