I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
