remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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