maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
