just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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