happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
