my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
