Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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