I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
