if i can run in heels then i can drive
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
