The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize