Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
