How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
