ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
