so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
