Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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