It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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