I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
