Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
