i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
