I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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