dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
