she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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