You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
