Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
being pregnant is like rehab
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
