i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
my vag is so smooth its legendary
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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