i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
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Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
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Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks