hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball