No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him